Stephen Colbert on February
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“ February, if you had any balls, you would be three days longer. “ |
Funny Quotes
Zach Galifianakis on Starting His Own Band
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“ I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks. “ |
Steven Wright on Super Powers
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“ I can levitate birds. No one cares. “ |
Demetri Martin on Translations
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“ I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille. “ |
Demetri Martin on Being Waved at
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“ I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.’ “ |
Rodney Dangerfield on Naming a Dog
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“ Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. “ |
Rodney Dangerfield on Drinking
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“ I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. “ |
Rodney Dangerfield on Growing Up
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“ I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. “ |
Mitch Hedberg on Fake Plants
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“ My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. “ |
Jerry Seinfeld on Shower Radios
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“ Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. “ |