Demetri Martin on ATM Machines
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“ I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, ‘Got it!’ And then I run away. “ |
Stand Up Quotes
Zach Galifianakis on Starting His Own Band
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“ I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks. “ |
Jim Gaffigan on His Family
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“ I’m from a very large family – nine parents. “ |
Mitch Hedberg on Cars
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“ I know a lot about cars, I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming. “ |
Dane Cook on Movies
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“ I love the movies. I don’t even call them movies. I call them ‘Cinematic Adventures.’ “ |
Steven Wright on Fear of Heights
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“ A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. “ |
Steven Wright on Super Powers
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“ I can levitate birds. No one cares. “ |
Demetri Martin on Being Waved at
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“ I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.’ “ |
Rodney Dangerfield on Drinking
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“ I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. “ |
Steven Wright on the Nobel Prize
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“ I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. “ |